this is not the line for parenting advice
I work in a mid-sized retail store where I am sometimes cashier at the register. Parents come through my line – okay, mostly moms – with happy little children – rarely. More often they are fussy or wailing or grabby. I don’t blame the children. Shopping sucks when you are a kid. It’s all “don’t touch that” and “not now” and “sit down right now” or “stand up right now” and so on. Part of the reason that having my kids back in public school is so thrilling is that I hardly ever have to take them shopping with me any more.
So these moms and their unhappy children come through my checkout line. Some deal with the situation really well and they are patient and sweet to their kids. Many of the kids are frustrated, but trying really hard to be good. Some moms are clearly irritated as hell, but still keeping it together. And then there is the rare mother that is completely at the mercy of her child’s latest behavioral storm. Those are the ones I really wish I could help, but I can’t, because…
this is not the line for parenting advice
I had a mom come through my line the other day with her daughter who was about four or five years old. She (the adult) flung an Olaf (from Disney’s Frozen) pillow across the counter at me and asked me to check the price. I scanned the barcode and informed her that the regular price was $29.99 but it was currently on sale for $19.49. I could see her waffling about the unnecessary expense and so I carefully held it hidden behind the counter to make it easier for her to say no and walk out without it. “Okay,” she sighed, “I’ll take it. She’ll have a huge tantrum if I don’t.”
And I answered, all sweetness and light, “I understand, I have kids too.” (barf!)
Yes, I do have kids, but no, I don’t really understand. I have never in their whole entire lives ever bought them something because they would have thrown a tantrum if they didn’t get it. I’ve never spent $20 on a toy they didn’t need on a day that wasn’t their birthday. I didn’t have any other option. I just couldn’t. And so they rarely asked and if they did and I said no, they would generally except it. There were never any tantrums.
I wanted to tell this mom to grow a spine and not buy the Olaf pillow and not let her tiny daughter rule over her with the threat of a tantrum. I could have told her, it’s never going to get any better if she just gives in like that – it could get worse. I wanted to tell this mom that if she didn’t buy the toy her daughter might be sad, but she would learn an important lesson and she would learn to cope with her disappointment.
But nobody gets parenting advice in my line. It is not an item we offer at this store.
89 comments on “this is not the line for parenting advice”
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The Honking Goose 
I remember trying the tantrum to acquire something. Cannot remember what it was but I slept on my stomach for five days and never tried it again.
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There are plenty of better ways for kids to sway their parents minds. 🙂
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“Grow a spine” – so very true but perhaps easier said than done. I don’t have kids but vow not to use the iPad as a pacifier for them when I do. I guess it will work as long as I have the will but I’m also not sure what to expect when it comes to “keeping it all together”.
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Growing a spine is indeed way easier said than done. But once it is done, it is so much easier to stand.
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Very interesting post & comments! Your un-said advice was great.
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Thanks – I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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I find it amusing that many parents worry about what kind of world their children will inherit, and forget to leave better children for the world.
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Well said!
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Whenever I see a kid screaming in the store, I usually assume it is an autistic meltdown rather than a tantrum and avoid interfering at all costs. Even if it is not true most of the time, these parents are tired of having their kids meltdowns be mistaken for bratty tantrums.
BUT, the minute I hear the kid saying “I WANT ___”, I know that is not an autistic meltdown, and no disability would excuse the lax treatment from parents. Still, I mind my own business and make a mental note not to let my nephew or future children behave the same way.
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Maybe you should.
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I think if there was a parenting advice ‘store’ – everything should be totally free so more people would take advantage. 😀
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Our children were rarely, if ever given frivolous presents because we also did not have the money to waste. The children learned very young what was needed and what was not. Did they suffer, not at all, and now as young adults they are smart shoppers, and cringe when they see parents giving in to their children.
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Spoiling children just doesn’t pay off for anyone. I actually think it would be harder in some ways to be a rich parent because it would be too easy to spoil your child.
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First, nice title and story!! Quite impressed 😉
Next, good luck with the shopping boom upon us 😉
And finally, girl, that child and mum didn’t do too bad. I have seen things…horrible, frightening things. Things that will keep you up at night wondering, Why!!?!?!
Lol!
It was nice of you to try and provide support, but I feel you. I really do…
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Totally. I’ve seen much worse, too. Especially at the park. Oh goodness. Oh, that just reminded me of something I might need to blog about. Thanks! 😀
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Smart – Very smart! Although I was put in the situation (as a cashier) to ask children not to do gymnastics on the metal rail next to the check out counter. The parents would look at me like I was a complete a-hole telling their kids what to do, but I was just trying to avoid an injury, a scene, a lawsuit, or all three. Melissa 🙂
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I always appreciate someone else telling my kids what to do (as long as it’s not mean, you know?) because they’re more likely to listen to a stranger than they are to heed my words. Just the way it goes. So I always feel free to tell other people’s kids what the boundaries are. Most parents I hope would appreciate it. I haven’t done it at the store where I work now. But I certainly did when I worked at little food co-op.
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Yes! No one thanks you for saving their kid from busting their head open.
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Ever since I was old enough to be over tantrums, my mom has essentially pointed this out when witnessing this sort of event at a store. She never gave in to our terrorist demands. She advocates the lessons of restraint…or else of using a tantrum to obtain one’s desires. It would be so hard for me not to say anything were our positions reversed.
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Every store selling items appealling to kids should have duct tape available just in case a kid throws a fit.
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We do sell duct tape, as well. Even the fun colored and patterned ones. But I don’t think I should recommend parents use it on their kids any more than I should hand out parenting advice while ringing up someone’s purchases. 🙂
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It is all part of a learning experience. My tantrums weren’t rewarded, either. What was rewarded was coming up with the resources myself. But the road to learning that was laden with temper…
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Good thing you were such a cute kid. 😉
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I had my moments 🙂
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Very interesting post, and it’s actually a good parenting advice post. You are very right. I’ll keep it in mind. I might have to keep it in mind very much in the years to come.
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Say yes or say no. Never say maybe. Kids exploit a maybe.
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I am with you. My kids can keep a list of toys they want. Asking me kills the dream.
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Even when my kids want to spend their own money on a toy, I often tell them to wait and think about it. And I promise to bring them back if they still want to buy it. About half the time, they change their mind after a day has gone by.
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I don’t have kids, but I also worked in a retail store before. The scenes I saw there…gosh! I can never understand how you allow your kid to lay on the floor and scream like there’s no tomorrow, just because they want a toy. It’s ridiculous. I am glad that your kids are different.
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I don’t even totally blame the parents, they don’t always know what to do about it. It is anything but easy, that’s for sure. That’s why I just wish I could help some how – tell them the things I’ve learned through trial and error. But life doesn’t always work like that. Not everyone wants my advice.
🙂
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I bet it’s hard to bite your tongue sometimes. I have friends who are teachers that are exhausted by the amount of basic parenting they have to do these days just because parents don’t say no. One parent told her that her daughter ‘hits when she is angry’ like that excused the behavior…
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After home schooling my boys for two years, I have unbounded admiration for all teachers. Especially public school teachers.
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As do I, especially here in NC where they are paid just above the poverty line…
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I enjoyed reading your post.. It reminds me when I was small and once my
Mom took me to a toy store to buy a gift for someone and I just wanted a toy she explained to me and did not buy for me..after few days she again told me we are going to the toy shop but you will not ask for anything we are not going for you. This time I behaved. Yes u need to tell no to your children but you know why most parents give in cause it’s easier to give in that moment to avoid the explanations talks but they don’t realise the long term after effects are worst…
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I’ve learned to say yes or say no. What is the worst is a “maybe”. If a parent says maybe, their kid will pester them relentlessly. It’s always better to say no. You can always change no to a yes. But much harder to do the opposite.
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By buying them stuff just because they throw a tantrum otherwise actually encourage that behavior. I can truly say that my kids never threw a tantrum and I am pretty proud of them.
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My first son threw a tantrum one time. I remember it very well. It started out at the food co-op and I walked him outside to the sidewalk and let him flail around on the ground while I calmly stood by (to make sure he didn’t hurt himself) and chatted with my friend’s mom. He gained nothing and he never threw a tantrum again.
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Point made! And that us what it’s all about in my eyes. It’s about letting them know that you know what you are doing and you stick to it, no matter what. And they can not theow you off (gosh, they do, but they don’t have to know it…)
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Yeah, it sure takes a lot of strength to be a good parent. Makes you wonder why they let just anyone do it…
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Oh, how often I wondered…
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You could always set up one of those signs like Lucy from Peanuts.
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“Parenting Advice, 5 cents” 😀
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Exactly!!
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Giving parenting advice is a touchy subject to any mom. I found that if they don’t have an audience for their tantrum, they lose steam pretty fast.
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Yes. And I knew I was risking being judgy with this post, because of course – who knows what her day (or week, or year) was like? Maybe she really couldn’t handle it, but on other days she does much better. I don’t know.
Really it did just make me want to help. Some how. But that was just not possible given the situation. That was my real frustration.
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I have never been perfect, and I would give in to certain things simply because I was too tired. I’m not sure if I would do that over a toy they will ignore within a couple of months because there is something more exciting. But you’re right, maybe she was weary…I’ve certainly been there.
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Judgy is not so terrible… The mother is not doing her child or society (and I’ll stand in to represent society here!) any favors. Will we want this girl to one day be our neighbor, our co-worker, our student, our in-law, or anyone else we regularly encounter with that world view imbedded in her psyche?
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When I was a boy, there were no laws against a parent saying no, and worse, meaning no. So, I heard it a lot.
What happened in the years since?
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Well, if you ask MY kids there are still plentiful NO’s around. 🙂
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When I was a teacher I sometimes got asked parenting advice for teenagers at parents’ evening, though at the time I was in my mid-twenties with no children of my own!
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At least they were humble enough to ask. That’s a good start. I think the world could use more parenting classes. It’s like the hardest job in the world and yet the easiest one to get.
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Me either. I feel like you are creating monsters when you give into your children’s whims. Yes, shopping sucks for kids but it’s a necessary evil. Life is not all fun and games. Childhood should be fun but it’s also the time to teach your children about life. If you always give them whatever they want you are setting them up for failure. That’s what I think.
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I agree. It’s an opportunity for learning, on both sides.
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Wouldn’t it be great if a store DID offer that type of advice??
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YES 😀
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Good on you. 🙂
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😀
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Great post! You sound like a terrific Mom. My daughter has a similar mode of operation and it has rubbed off on her kids (as has Frozen) so keep it up, it does pay off. When my 10-year old granddaughter Liz started giving her Mom a hard time in the store, her 3 1/2- year old sister said quietly “Let it go, Liz”. Liz laughed and it was over.
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Ha! Love it!
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LOL!!! That was so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This kid is hilarious. Wise beyond her years. Hopefully a child can not be damaged by adults laughing at them cause we dio it all the time.
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I hope my kids will be just as wise and, well, hilarious 🙂
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I’m fortunate I had good parenting role models to learn from (my parents). Bad parenting just breeds more bad parents, it’s hard to break that cycle. The world needs more parenting classes. Maybe taught by 3 year olds! Your story is a great example. 😀
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You are fortunate indeed! I totally agree with you. Ive always thought that both parenting and finance should be required high school courses.
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Even I disallow tantrums. So now my toddler quietly puts the toy back.
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It is so much easier, in the long run, if they can learn that lesson when they are very young.
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True
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This is so true. I have lost count of the number of times I have seen tantrums only for the parents to give in. When I was a kid….oh dear I had a sudden feeling of growing old there…….I was told no and that is exactly what it meant.
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You’d think a grown adult would realize they are only feeding that behavior by giving it to it – but no. I mean I get it, kids can really wear you down. But all the more reason to stand strong to make it easier on yourself in the future.
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Your kids will grow up to be great adults because of your parenting techniques.
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They’re on their way. I’m fortunate that I had good parents myself, so I can follow in their footsteps. Goodness, it’s sure not easy!
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I am probably the only person in America that does not like frozen.
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You’re not alone! My friends and I don’t really Frozen that much…
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You just made my night < 3
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I hate it!! The songs are terrible.
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I’m so glad i’m not alone.
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I am probably the only person in America who hasn’t seen Frozen. (My kids have seen it, but not I.)
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No, you are not!
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Yeah, best to keep your mouth shut. It’s a shame but I am sure the store manager/owner was happy!
FBF
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I guess that is also why they put all those goodies close to the cashier. You wait in line with the kids and they see a toy or a chocolate bar and of course they want it. And in order to not have to be the mom with the child screaming on the floor, they give in…
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Those dollar bin racks really do work.
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Yep, they are pretty annoying…
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Yep, I’m sure they were.
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Our society is breaking down because of parents who won’t say no to the Olaf pillow because they refuse to endure a fucking tantrum. Think about what this country will be in 20 years….I don’t because it’s a scary thought.
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Ha, we are already there. Most people in the 20-30 (maybe even older) range were raised by parents who bought their way through the process as opposed to parenting. It’s the age of the trophy kids! I think Millennial should be changed to Trophials or Trophy Babies or something like that!
FBF
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Agree
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I does not feel good, as a parent, to always say NO to your kid. But unless the answer is YES, it should always be no. Because maybe is a dangerously slippery slope with kids. “Maybe” is were all the frustration breeds for the parent and the kid.
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I enjoyed this post, especially your line about “this is not the line for parenting advice.”
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thanks 😀
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