something to honk about
GIFT GUIDE: part 1
Where “Poor” and “Rich” are in comparison to the American middle class. Appropriate for Hannukah, Christmas, or other Winter celebrations like “Snowed in with my alcoholic aunts again”.
Gifting during the holiday season is a competition. And the whole point of a competition is to win. (No! it’s not to have fun, that is a loser attitude! you want to be a winner!) My handy GIFT GUIDE is going to help You Win.
#1: COST Throw out the idea that your gift to them should be equal in cost to their gift to you. It should not. If you were to give all your rich relatives costly gifts, it would be at the mercy of your credit card, because the money in your checking account is for January’s rent. Your gift to your rich relative should be extremely cheap. That way you are not striking for middle ground, money wise, and falling short (wasteful, ineffective). Your aim is to spend as little as possible (why else would you have chosen to be poor?). Bonus points for handmade gifts (yay if you’re crafty!) because these cost mostly time and everyone knows that time=$$. Bonus points if the total cost of the gift, including tax, is under $10.
#2: INTENT Use thoughtfulness as an equalizer. You know you can’t spend as much cash as they can, so put more thought into the gift. Either focus on their specific interests, or, if you’re not sure what their interests are, write a very kind, thoughtful card to accompany your gift. Bonus points for using words like “cherish,” “appreciate,” “deeply,” “heartfelt.” Also, throw in as many compliments to them personally, as you can without coming across as butt-kissy. You’ll have to use your own discretion as to where to draw the line, depending on how close your relationship is. People love being complimented (rich people especially because they generally feel shitty about themselves due to the unearned advantage their wealth affords them). Bonus points for two or more compliments per single thoughtfully written card.
GIFT GUIDE: part 2
Okay, now that we’ve covered the basic parameters and your confidence is up because you know you will Win at gifting, here are specific gift ideas for your rich relatives.
#1: Photo of You. These days, even poor people like you and me have camera phones so it’s pretty easy to get a picture of yourself or you and your family. If you have kids, and school photos of them, these are perfect gifts for rich grandparents. Photos are really cheap to print; you can order them online from websites like snapfish and shutterfly. Bonus points for putting the photo in an attractive, inexpensive frame. 8×10 is a good size, but 5×7 will do, too. Look for a nice frame on sale someplace like JoAnn Fabric and Craft or Michaels. Both JoAnn and Michaels have coupons on their websites all the time, so if frames are full price, you can get a discount that way. A framed photo of you is appropriate for some rich relatives. They have to know you well enough to want a picture of you in their house (use your own judgement). Bonus points if you can find, print, and frame a photo of you sharing a great time with the rich relative you are gifting it to. Hopefully seeing this photo of you around their house will remind your rich relative to include you in their will.
#2: Handmade Gift. This is ultra-righteous because of the time investment required. Chances are if you’re poor, you are creatively crafty in some awesome way. Do you knit, draw, sew, can food, make candles, paint, do woodwork? These are all ways to make a wonderful, one of kind gift, the likes of which your relative has never seen before. If you are not crafty, don’t despair – do you have kids? Bonus points for getting your kid to make a handcrafted gift for your rich relative (saves you time and money).
#3: Dried Fruit. Rich people have all the “stuff” already, they bought it for themselves. So you don’t need to get them a “thing”. That’s why food is great gift for a rich person. Buy pretty dried fruit from the bulk bins at your local discount grocery. Rich people have never seen bulk bins so they won’t know how you made this holiday miracle happen. They’ll naturally assume this fancy fruit is very expensive. Put the fruit in the smallest clear bags in the bulk aisle. Get an assortment of different colors for contrast. I would suggest a triplicate such as: peaches, kiwis, figs. Or papaya, cranberries, apples. Tie the bags with colored ribbon. Bonus if you arrange the bags in a cute container you found at the thrift store for 50 cents.
Okay, I think that’s everything you need to know about gifting your rich relatives. Remember, this is a competition where giving a great gift shows you are a better, more generous person. If you follow the parameters in Part 1, and select a gift from the list in Part 2, you’ll be sure to Win at gifting this year.